18- Stop Waiting for Him to Apologize First: How to Break the Grudge Cycle and Actually Feel Connected

Are you tired of feeling disconnected from your husband after every little argument?

Have you ever continued a fight in your head that never even happened out loud — and ended up even more fired up than when it started?

What if being the first one to get over it wasn't weakness — but the most powerful move you could make for your marriage?

In this episode, I'm diving into the grudge cycle that keeps so many married moms feeling stuck and disconnected from their husbands — and sharing the one shift that changed everything for me. If you've ever wanted to feel close to your husband again but keep finding yourself trapped in the same reactive loop, this episode is for you. We're talking about how to break the cycle without losing your boundaries, why going first is actually the move that brings peace back into your marriage, and the simple steps to get there even when you really don't want to. Because you don't have to stay in the stuck. And your marriage is worth going first for.

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Transcript

Real quick — raise your hand if you have ever been so mad at your husband that you just wanted to sit in it. Like, you earned this anger and nobody was going to take it from you. And then three hours later you're still stewing, the argument in your head has gotten way bigger than the one that actually happened, and now you're somehow also mad about something from 2019.

Yeah. Same.

What if I told you that being the first one to get over it isn't weakness — it isn't letting him off the hook — it's actually the thing that breaks the cycle and gets you back to feeling close again? Today we're talking about how to stop waiting for the apology that may never come, how to get out of the grudge loop without losing your boundaries, and why going first might just be the most powerful move you make in your marriage. And yes, Jesus has something to say about it too.

Let's go.

It happens to the best of us, even when we told ourselves that we wouldn't fall into that trap again.

That cycle where one thing gets said, or maybe just the way it got said, and suddenly you're not just reacting to what happened — you're reacting to last Tuesday, and the thing before that. And before you know it, you're not even in a conversation anymore. You're in a loop. And the loop has taken over the whole day.

I know this cycle. I have lived this cycle. And I want to talk to you today about the moment I decided I was done letting it run the show — and the one little shift that changed how I show up when things get tense with Andrew.

We were driving the girls to their pop science class on a Tuesday — which is our family day because Andrew works weekends. It was beautiful outside, and after the class we had the whole day ahead of us. Park, science experiments, family fun — the whole thing. It was supposed to be a really good day.

And for some reason I cannot even remember now, we were just rubbing each other wrong. And then Andrew said something that felt snide and hurtful. And I wanted to stew in it so bad. I wanted to be mad and I wanted to stay mad. I wanted to be justified about being mad. I wanted to, I don't know, rub it in his face. Whatever makes us feel good about being mad, you know — all the places we go there.

And honestly? I wanted him to feel the consequences.

But then it hit me. The girls had nothing to do with this. They were excited about their class and the park and the experiments waiting for them. And here I was, ready to let this cloud smother our whole beautiful day just to make a point. And it wasn't going to get us anywhere but grumpier and grumpier. I didn't want that.

So I challenged myself. What if I could get over it faster than him?

Now, I want to be clear — in the end it wasn't about being better than him, because that creates its own whole other set of problems. But it became a thing of, I want to be the person who gets over it first and reaches out in peace. Not because I want to win. Because I want to have peace. I don't want to sit in it and I don't want it to drag on.

And here's the thing about sitting in it — because our brains LOVE to make a big deal out of little things.

Have you ever been in an argument, and then you continue the argument in your mind, and then you have this even bigger argument that never really existed? Like it never left your lips, never left their lips — but in your mind it went there. It got explosive. And then you feel even MORE justified about continuing to be angry over something that never even happened. It only existed in your mind.

Yeah. That's the loop. And I was done letting the loop run my Tuesday.

Now here's what I've learned about why that loop gets so hard to break — especially with your husband. When things get tense, I retreat. I pull back because I don't want to set anything off. And what I've discovered over time, because Andrew and I actually talk about this stuff, is that when I retreat it makes him retreat. Because then he feels rejection. And then it becomes this big cycle between us.

So both of us have to be on the lookout. When he's having big feelings, I have to remember — he's having big feelings because he's already in his own set of rejection thoughts. And the more I pull away, the bigger those are going to get.

But when I go to him in love and compassion and empathy — out of the relationship, because this is the guy that I love — it can break those things down. And the same thing with him. When he realizes he's getting into those big reactive emotional arcs, he can ask himself, hey, am I really dealing with reality here? What if I let loose a little bit? What if I just go give her a hug and calm my nervous system down?

Then it creates a whole different day for us.

One of the questions I use in those moments where it feels really intense and really personal is — what if they're not doing it to irk me? What if they're not doing it to make me mad? What if they're doing it because they had a bad day? What if they're doing it because they're stuck in their own negative thought loop? What if the reason has nothing to do with me at all?

And sometimes it's hard not to take it personal, especially when your relationship is so deeply personal. But my reactivity doesn't make the situation better. So if I can remember the what if — and then come from a place of hey, what if he just needs a little help getting out of this — not like I'm going to go teach him a lesson, but just, I'm going to reach out. Hey, you look like you could use a hug. Hey, it sounds like something else might be on your mind.

Instead of attacking or retreating — I reach.

So how do we actually do it though? Because I can sit here and tell you to get over it first all day long, and you can nod along and think yeah, that sounds great, Mitch. And then your husband says that thing in that tone and suddenly all of this goes right out the window.

And listen — I also want to be real with you. Being the first to get over it does not mean you are losing your boundaries or your principles. It does not mean what happened didn't matter. It means you are choosing peace over the loop. There is a big difference.

I also want to do this for my girls. Because they are watching. They were in that car on that Tuesday too. And I want them to grow up knowing that you don't have to sit in the stuck and let it get bigger and bigger. I want to model that for them. And I want them to learn it so deeply that when conflict comes for them someday, they already know — I don't have to live in this loop. I can go first.

So here's how we actually do it.

First — take a breath. I know, I sound like a broken record. Take a breath. But I mean it, because you cannot access any of the next steps without it. Your nervous system has to come down even just a little before your brain can do anything useful.

Second — get curious. I'm talking full on Sherlock Holmes mode. Instead of coming in hot or pulling away, ask yourself — what is really going on here? Because nine times out of ten, the thing that got said is not really the thing. I would extend this curiosity to my kid without even thinking about it. I would extend it to a friend. And yes — I am extending it to my husband too. That guy I chose, that I love, that is walking through life with me. He gets the same grace.

Third — reach out like you used to. Back when you thought this guy could do no wrong and his stinky socks were something you would make funny faces and giggle about. Go back to that version of yourself for just a second. Soften toward him before you open your mouth.

Fourth — be objective. Is there any truth in what was said? Maybe not the whole thing — definitely not the mean parts — but the root of it. And if there is, own it. Simple and sincere. Here's something I have learned about guys — they don't usually want the extended length director's cut movie with commentary about why you ended up doing what you did. They want a simple acknowledgement and a sorry. Ever watch two guys make up? It is the shortest exchange in human history and then they are completely done. Movie is over, let's move on. We could learn something from that.

And if it is not about something you did — ask. But ask in a good way. Not the and what exactly do you mean by that kind of way. More like — it sounds like there might be something more to this. Is there something you need to get off your mind?

And then — listen. Not to defend. Not to build your counter argument. Just to hear what they need. The same way you would want him to listen to you.

Here's what's kind of crazy — the more often I respond this way, the more often I get that same response back when I accidentally slip. Which is oh so nice.

So why do we even want to be this first place person? Well, Jesus told me so. Do it 77 times, in fact. Ok so maybe He said it to Peter, but it still applies. Apparently it's good for the soul.

And before you come at me with "but he's an adult, he should know better" — yes. He should. And so should I. Because I have never once snapped, said something with attitude, or let my bad day affect my shiny disposition toward anyone. Ever. In my life. LoL I say.

So with that, there are actually two things to get over the fastest. When I am the snappee. And when I am the snapper. Grace goes both ways, friend.

And come on — how many times have we told our kids that holding a grudge just makes an ugly feeling inside of them? And how many times have we wished that someone had extended grace when we've been on the other side? Hugged us instead of snapped back? Asked us what we really needed instead of drawing the duel out even longer?

We know what it feels like to need that grace. So let's be the one who gives it first.

So how can you act on this today, right now?

Well, hopefully you are not currently in the middle of a grudge match. Hooray! Celebrate that and tuck this episode in your pocket for when that match eventually shows up. Because it will. And now you'll be ready.

But if you are sitting in that spot right now — if you are in it today — here's what I want you to do. Take that breath. Bring a couple of sweet memories between the two of you to the front of your mind. A little emotional sugar goes a long way to soften your heart before you make a move. Then reach out to him sincerely. Breath, reach out, listen, be sincere and not defensive.

And then do a little celebration dance. Because you just went first.

That is not weakness. That is not losing. That is you choosing peace over the loop. And that is a really big deal.

Mama, I had so much fun sharing with you today. It always feels so good to know I'm not alone in this crazy life. So thanks for being here.

And remember, we can keep it going in your email. The link is in the show notes. I am really looking forward to it!

Until next time, Mama — do your dance!